A four letter word that has so many words, stories, and just stuff behind it.
Happiness, love, pain, struggle, depression, family, friends, school, work, stress, fun, and the list goes on.
It is also different for each person.
Life has different seasons. No, they don’t look like the four seasons relating to the weather, but different stages. God tells us those seasons in Ecclesiastes 3 starting in verse one and ending in verse 8:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
Right now, my time is to weep and search for God.
I never knew what depression was until I experienced it.
It’s a topic most of us don’t like talking about; however, a lot of us have dealt with it, are dealing with it, or might deal with it in the future. It is a real struggle for people. I have experienced it over the last five weeks.
It is different for everyone, but mine is in the form of anything. It happens most when I’m alone or feeling lonely. I have been stressed out the last five weeks about school, work, and life. It goes away at some points, but it is constantly on standby, waiting to creep in. It waits for empty moments so it can slide in undetected. Mine slides in when I’m sitting alone, wondering if people actually care or if they are just being surface level with me. This has also caused panic attacks. I have only had three in my life and all of them have been in the last four months. It is scary. I don’t know what to do besides breathe deeply and know that God will get me through it soon.
I signed up for counseling at my school because my life is so stressful and I feel like I am getting worse and worse. I need an escape, someone to talk it through with, and someone who will help me and know what they are doing. I had my first session this week and it was very reassuring. My counselor and I were just getting to know each other, but I can tell she is going to help me out a lot.
I haven’t full on cried in over a month. A week ago was the first time in a long time I allowed myself to let it all out. To let the tears just flow and stream down into a million Kleenexes. Crying is hard to do, but afterward you feel so relieved. It is a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders.
I have been struggling with singleness as well. I love being single and enjoying life with God, but in a world of relationships and engagements, it is difficult. I am nowhere near that stage of life. I am not prepared at all for that, but I am jealous and envious of those who have someone. I know that I need to seek God first, but depression always kicks in. It tells me why do you believe in God, what is He doing for you, why should you trust Him, and you can do that later. My heart knows that God is the answer to everything and that we need to focus on Him because He has all of the answers we are looking for.
I know that I cannot escape thoughts of depression, but just typing them out helps me through it. Life is about being open and vulnerable. It has been a long time since I have had an accountability partner and or person to just talk too openly about my life. I wish that I would just give it all to God because I know that’s what will help me through it.
I have a couple of friends who are struggling with the same things I am struggling with. We are at all different stages of life, but that one struggle has brought me closer to them.
Music, writing, singing, and dancing are my escapes. They help calm me down, but why is it those. It should also be God. He is the key to life. He always knows what to do.
After bawling your eyes out, writing down what you feel, and asking friends to pray for you, you start to feel a little better. I have realized that my pain and struggle are not going to vanish overnight, it is going to take some time. This is just the beginning of the journey through the valley, but I know that God will take me to the mountaintop in His time.
Until next time my Sassy Peaches,